sweet dreams…

*previously posted in my friendster blog July 2006, while i was deployed in Al Asad, Iraq.*

ever had a dream about the past? a dream that reminds you of sumthing you’ve done before, sumthing that’s happened, sumthing you did. USUALLY, it’s sumthing you regret doing, an event you did not mean to happen, an occurrence that is so nightmarish that you wish it could be erased from your past or even just from your memory. well, USUALLY that’s the case, not this time.

i feel myself laying in my bed, back home, alarm clock blaring, yet i lay motionless. enjoying the sturdy bed and the soft pillows, sweet slumber. then chaos…"HOY! male-late ka na! bumangon ka na!" - it was my mom, i never thought i’d miss that early morning wake-up call, but now i catch myself smiling… i AM home. and it’s time to go to school. so i get up. do my morning rituals, shower, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, an oh! my uniform…i missed wearing this uniform. time to put it back on. i ask for good graces from my mother…as i leave the house. with my backpack on…containing my second most prized possession (my laptop), i get into my car, KayCee…my most prized possession.(which is not in my possession dahil nakapangalan kay mumi.) anyway, i leave the garage, drive through the alleyway where i grew up and into the street. oh the street, the setting where all my childhood memories have occurred. i speed away! screeching KayCee’s tires like i usually do, not to annoy the neighbors but to wake up my fellow students, i am always the first student to leave and by this time they should be getting ready.

i look at the clock, it’s 5:36am by this time i should still be in the alleyway, this is good, i’m ahead of schedule. as i go through my usual route to school, i notice that aint nuthin changed, the speed bumps i hated are still there. the pot holes are still in the exact same places and my landmarks are still there. the feel of the steering wheel, stick shift and pedals felt so familiar i never thought i missed it till now. my tachometer shift-light glares at me and i shift to second gear hearing the tires screech once more. i approach an intersection and having been driving in the states for a while, i look for a stop sign, i remember, i’m in the PI, no stop signs. i just look for the illumination of upcoming headlights from any direction and listen for engine or exhaust sounds besides KayCee’s, i hear none, it’s clear…tachometer shift-light lights up again and i shift to third. i make it to the espana gate in less than 40 mins…record time. the best i did before was 47 mins. there was no traffic, rush hour is yet to start, and i’m already at school. i pick a parking space and park under the shaded area. i open my windows, turn on my laptop, and check my schedule for the day…(feeling executive, para namang may magbabago sa sked mo?! kunyari iche-check lang baka mei pinalitan yung secretary ko eh.) well, for the most part, my schedule is the same. so i light up a cigarette and lean my car seat back. as i took a long drag and exhale, i turn up the radio. and it’s my favorite morning show! radio tabloid… so i lay there in my car, seeing all the familiar faces walk by, also the familiar cars pass me by. this is so fun. it’s like a replay.

then it rains…hard…pouring, huge drops of rain slam into KayCee’s windshield. i flick my cigarette, close the window, and turn the A/C on. where did this rain come from all of a sudden? then, an emergency news flash.

"…students in the Manila area are adviced to stay indoors due to an impending flash flood. authorities say that this flash flood will occur in about 2 hours if the rain persists. the DECS has suspended classes in all levels in the Manila area, particularly the university belt."

now i remember this day, the next thing i did was to go into the building and check with my professors. they tell me to go home because they are to do the same, they dont want to be stuck in the flood and the power is out so it would be a bad idea to stay in school. that was what i did back then…but now, since i already know what’s to happen, i might as well go straight home and enjoy my mom’s cooking! yum! as i prepared to leave, i check if KayCee is in neutral, depressed the clutch and start the engine, i felt lightheaded…then i couldnt turn the ignition…this feels weird…"what the f…" i feel myself getting lifted of my body, out of the car and into the air just floating. i was like, "Did i just die? or is this one of those out-of-body experiences??? OMG! i wonder what was in that joint that i smoked?" all of a sudden…i see KayCee’s driver side door open. and i see myself get out of the car! i am actually seeing myself doing the same thing i did almost 3 years ago! i follow myself into the eng’g building. there was a ruckus! students dashing here and there…conversating, making plans, i hear overtones of, "tara! bilyar muna!" or "wala ba talgang pasok?!" or "tara! uwi na! tipid-tipid muna." but me, i mean…the me in that time…just kept zipping through people, bumping into them just not minding the chaos surrounding him…or me, whatever. i continue to follow him, all i can see is the back of my own head(damn i got a weird shaped head.) and i almost couldnt keep up. i see myself get to the stairs and struggle against the counter-current of students rushing to go elsewhere except espana blvd because of the impending flood. 2 flights of stairs and the "me" gets to the ICS department wing. the "me" looks around, like he’s searching for somebody. i try to remember, "a professor? a classmate? my thesis groupmates?! who was i looking for that day?!" another flight of stairs to the classrooms and the org room…wait, the org room. i was expecting to see someone there! then it hit me the same time it hit the "me". i look at the "me" still from behind him and he looked as if he got stunned, dead in his tracks. he was looking upward. i follow his gaze, and i see who i was looking for. there she was on the top of the flight of stairs staring back at the "me".

i feel myself sucked in from the air i was floating on, back into my body. I and the "me" were one again. and i stare right into her eyes while she looked down into mine. the ruckus continued to occur around us. people going up the stairs, people coming down, people talking, yelling, shouting, laughing…chaos. i felt so powerless in her stare, like a knight at the foot of his queen’s throne, looking up in sheer amazement at her queen’s majesty. my knees buckled. and i had to muster all my strength to make that first step up. at the same time, she steps down, never breaking eye-contact, we approach each other and find ourselves in the middle of the flight of stairs amidst the chaos happening around us. she opens up her arms…and i just fall into her. with face on her shoulder my body in her arms, time stopped. all the noise was gone, the chaos disappeared as if it never existed. and once again i’m a 3rd person viewing the scene. me in her arms in the middle of the flight of stairs, standing still.

KSP

narito ako sa 'yong tabi,
at abot kamay kita.
hindi naman tayo naguusap
parang hindi din magkasama

katawan mo ma'y nandito
ang diwa ay nawawala
naroon sa malayo
hindi ako alintana

ayus lang...kahit papano magkasama
yun nga lang walang napapala
anino lang akong nakasunod
pinagsasawalang-bahala.

kasalanan ko din siguro
di ako katulad ng iyong barkada
kaya ka hindi interesado
at mas gusto mong kausap sila

ayoko naman magbago,
sadyang pinanganak akong ganito
tahimik at walang kibo,
diba't yun ang nagustuhan mo?

pero kung anong tikom ng bibig
syang daldal ng isip
habang nakatingin sa sahig
sinusulat ang aking tinig

hanggang kelan ba ganito?
kelan ako magsasawa?
kapiling ka man ngayon
ito pari't nangungulila.

paano ba manuyo...?

huwag ka nang mainis, huwag ka nang magalit.
ihadya mo ako sa iyong pagsusungit.
pero kung iyon ang tanging hinihiling na kapalit,
sige, payag ako, magbuhos ka ng hinanakit.

huwag ka nang magtampo, huwag ka nang magdamdamn.
kung meron man akong nagawa, hindi ko talaga alam.
batid kong alam mo ang ugali kong ito, hayskul pa lang.
minsan manhid, makapal ang balat, tila walang pakiramdam.

nakikiusap lang ako, hindi sa namimilit.
paraan ko ito ng pagsuyo, hindi ng pangungulit.
pagiging magkaibigan nati'y hindi pa natin nasusulit.
kung pinal na ang iyong desisyon, ipaliwanag sana kung bakit.

pero kilala rin kita, at alam kong 'di ka nagbabago.
ang tancha ko'y lalayo ka lang at magsasawalang kibo.
iiwas, "no eye contact", titingin sa malayo.
dedma lang, parang wala, taimtim man ang aking pagsusumamo.

oo kaibigan mo lang ako, pero marami pa tayong pangarap.
buhay nati'y kay ikli, wag natin lustayin sa saklap.
marami ka mang kakulangan, buo pa rin kitang tinanggap.
alam ko nami-miss mo din ako, 'wag ka nang magpanggap.

pinagsamahan nati'y ehemplo ng kabalintunaan.
dating mortal na magkaaway, naging matalik na magkaibigan.
hayaan itong masayang, sana'y huwag naman.
pahintulutan akong mapunan ang anumang pagkukulang.

kung paano ko ipararating sa'yo ang aking nararamdaman,
sana'y may makapagsabi, pagka't ito lang ang alam na paraan.
nasa kabilang sulok man ako ng mundo, ako'y nandito lang.
handa't naka-abang, sa sandaling ika'y mangangailangan.

tulad mo hiling ko rin na sana'y maulit,
mga panahon noong kabataan natin na tayo'y magkalapit.
malabo mang mangyari, pagka't pati atensyon mo'y pinagkakait.
aasa pa rin gaya ng lupa, sa tinitingala niyang langit.

seasonal

woke up this morning, stared at the ceiling.
didnt want to go to work, but i had to make a living
thought about calling in sick, but i have a lot of tasks pending
so i said, "fuck it, i better get moving."

brushed my teeth, shaved my beard, and stepped in the shower.
just stood there for a minute enjoying the hot water.
dried-off, put cologne on, walked towards the dresser,
"i want to look good today...", so i put on a tie and sweater.

stepped outside, saw that it was raining.
slowly but surely, i felt inspiration welling.
got in the car and started driving
but had to pull-over, creative juices were flowing!

inspired by the weather, here i go again.
fished for my post-its and my favorite pen,
screw work, i need to write all of a sudden.
cant wait to post this for my online friends.

isla

Kasabay ng pagkupas ng mga litrato natin,
Dahan-dahan kang pumanaw sa aking paningin.
Mga pangarap na binuo’y tila palasyong buhangin,
at mga salitang nasambit, pinipilit bawiin.
Mga bakas nating iniwan sa dalampasigan.
Bote ng alak na pinagsaluhan.
Ang munting dampa na tinuluyan,
Tanging ang isla na lamang ang naiwan.
Subalit heto ako’t naglalayag,
Sinusumpang naririnig kang tumatawag.
Nawalan ng puwang sa puso ang pagkabagabag,
itatayong muli ang munting dampang nabuwag.
Alam na walang daratnan, ngunit nagpapakabulag.
Hindi alintana ang iyong pagtiwalag.
Batid namang ang isla’y hindi natinag,
Sa hagupit ng bagyo’t unos, pinilit maging matatag.
Nang makarating sa isla’y, napuno ng pag-asa,
Pagka’t mga litratong kupas, nabuhay sa alaala.
Nakatayo pa rin ang munting dampa,
At ang bote ng alak, selyo lang ang nawala.
Kung paano natin nilisan ang isla noon,
at pinagdaanan man sya ng mahabang panahon.
Ang sayang dinulot nito’y nararamdaman magpa-hanggang ngayon.
Naririnig ang iyong tinig, tuwing humahampas ang alon.
Ano man ang iyong marating, saan ka man mapunta.
Munti nating paraiso’y hindi mawawala.
Kung dumating ang panahong nais mo nang mamahinga,
Bumalik ka sa isla-


…hinihintay kita.

Punisher 3-7

Lupain ng dalawang ilog,
tawag sa lugar kung saan kami hinulog.
sa dilim ng gabi, kulay berde ang paningin,
iniingatang hindi maka-gising ng natutulog.

Lugar na pinagsimulan ng sibilisasyon,
Kabalintunaan kumpara sa kasalukuyang sitwasyon.
Pilit ipinapatupad ang mga batas at alituntuning
-napatunayan nang mali, at napagiwanan na ng panahon.

Sa pag sikat ng araw, aking namalasan,
Ganda ng disyerto kung sa'n kami iniwan.
dalawang pulutong ang kasama sa paglalakbay
mga ma-taong lugar ay iniwasan.

alas-dose ng tanghali, tinablan na ng gutom.
walang dalang pagkain, mayroon lang maiinom.
mga kasama'y pagod na din kakalakad sa init.
Konti na lang, dadating na ang tulong.

Nang mahanap na ang lugar na kailangan marating.
Mga mukhang nakangiti at pagkain ang sumalubong sa amin.
"Nandito na ang mga mamamarusa!" hiyaw ng mga dinatnan.
Ilang buwan na sa digmaa'y naka-ngiti pa rin.

Digmaa'y kay ganda sa paningin.
Mula sa himpapawid, ang sarap panoorin.
Tila panunuod ng apoy na naglalagablab,
Pero magkamali kang lumapit, ika'y papasuin.

Lupaing uhaw sa basbas ng ulan.
Ininom ang katas ng digmaan.
Dugo ng mga mandirigma ang syang pumawi.
Hinihintay ang sunod na sagupaan.

Matapos ang ilang buwan, pinayagang umuwi.
Sinabitan ng mga medalya't kung ano anong palamuti.
Bale wala ang lahat ng aking nakamit,
Pagkat buhay ng mga kasamaha'y 'di na mababawi.

hindi alintana

Nagkukubli sa isang sulok na hindi abot ng iyong tingin,
mangyaring ang mga tula ko’y ayaw mong tangkilikin.
sa dahilang ayaw mong malungkot pagka’t ika’y masayahin.
Mga linyang ikaw ang inspirasyon, di mo pinapansin.

Dahil sa tayo’y magkalayo, marahan mo akong nililisan.
Unti-unting namamaalam, at naghahanap ng mga bagong kaibigan.
Mga pangyayari’y tila itinakda at hindi maiiwasan.
Nilalasap ang bawat sandali, bago mo ako tuluyang talikdan.

Ngunit bakit pa rin ako narito’t umaasa?
Gayong batid kong may nahanap ka nang iba?
Mga kilos at galaw mo’y pinagsasawalang-bahala.
Nililinlang ang sarili, “Ako’y mahal mo pa…”

Sugatan kong puso’y utak ang umalalay,
Isinalin sa salita ang mga hinanakit na taglay.
Sumulat ng mga talata at tulang pasalaysay.
Sayang, ‘di mo nababasa ang mga tulang iyong binigyang-buhay.

Para maunawaan sinubukan kitang ikumpara-
o ihalintulad sa mga bagay na sa aki’y mahalaga.
Susulat sana ng isa pang tula, ngunit sapat na ang isang linya.

"Mas kailangan kita kaysa sa susunod kong hininga..."